After a particularly challenging day of teacher training in Bali, we were all exhausted and a bit testy. And, Tara Judelle said to us:
“I will forgo being liked by you to continue to do this work.”
This work is showing ourselves TO ourselves, which isn’t always pretty. This work is important because before we can heal our world, we gotta heal the bullshit we create for ourselves.
What’s not-so-surprising is that, when our bullshit comes up, we want to lash out at other people and say they are the cause of our pain.
Yet, when we feel and embody how free, self-actualized, and connected to infinity we actually are, then we no longer lead our lives from a place of ego and fear. We realized that we are the source of our own awakening.
This means that working on ourselves, and being agitated by our habits and paradigms, is paramount.
The contraction that we experience is the gateway to our next expansion.
Before we grow, we resist.
So, the work is getting curious (instead of defensive) when the resistance comes... Have no doubt, the resistance is coming. You know you’re on the right path when it surfaces.
For much of my life, I’ve been in the habit of blaming other people for my experience. Or, judging them, based on the limited shit that I think I know. For much of my life, I’ve been complaining about everything, a victim to it. The work that Tara is talking about is recognizing that no one is responsible for my life and my experience of it, but me.
This became especially loud and apparent one day during meditation in Bali.
Every morning, we’d get up at 4:00am, eat breakfast, scoot to the yoga shala, set up our meditation nest, and spend two hours in breath, stillness and contemplation.
What I noticed one day during meditation was that EVERY day, I would complain (either in my head, or aloud) about everything. I would make excuses why today wasn’t the day that I had to show up: the heat, the bugs, I'm tired, my back/shoulders hurt, I don't feel like it, I have shit to do...
I realized that this life-sucking mantra had painted my entire experience, EVERY SINGLE DAY, and so, this was/is my life. This was never going to change, unless I started to change the mantra and look at my life and my experience of my life differently.
Then, the resistance hit: but my back DOES hurt, and the bugs ARE annoying, and I AM tired.
The magic in the yoga comes right in the resistance. Does my back *really* hurt, or is that a distraction I create to pull myself away from the current moment? Are the bugs *really* annoying, or could I settle down and choose not to be irritated by them? Was I REALLY tired, after having 9 hours of sleep the night before?
I sat in meditation that day, and concentrated on allowing all my irritations to fall to the wayside. Thought by thought, I calmed my energy, I stopped myself from my reactivity, and you would never guess what happened...
My back stopped hurting. The bugs stopped bugging me. I was no longer tired. Oh, and I resolved a conflict I was holding deep in my heart with a friend...
This is the work.